Telephone

"My heart is heavy; mind is jogging, and she sits by the phone, tapping her fingers. She's disappointed by the ringtone she soon hears, because it isn't you" --Tyra Nicole

I stare at it
As it stares back at me
It lays, cold, idol--
Nothing to keep it company

I flip open the phone
And leave it until the screen turns black
I think to myself, phone in hand
"Where's her voice? When will she come back?"

Like a child anxiously waiting
I can't get it off my mind.
This one little phone call,
doesn't matter how short the time.

Anytime is a good time
as long as I get to hear you.
You voice is like the icing on the cake,
to let me know the day is through.

We can sit and discuss anything
and regardless of how bad i feel,
your voice carries away my worries
your voice ends the deal.

Its the last thing I hear at night
And the only thing I think about during the day,
aside from physically being with you, of course,
and the only possible way

to keep me moving forward
to make me want to come home,
so that I may relax with you
and talk on the telephone.

So I sit back and tap my fingers.
I keep waiting for my phone to ring.
And finally I recieve a phone call.
But what I hear now, isn't the same thing.

Thats not what i hear
when you usually call.
The person on the other side of the phone
isn't who I want at all.

I can't believe I'm waiting like this
and I can't believe how I feel.
But never have I desires something so passionately.
Never has my passion been so real.

One little voice for a few minutes
goes a really long way,
because at night, when I hear you voice,
It soothes my soul and I'm okay.

So Mr. Telephone,
please stop playing with my mind.
Please stop with all this nonsense
until she dials my line.

I'm not blaming you,
no not at all.
I'm not blaming anyone
I just want her to call.

Olive Juice

There are so many ways that one can express themselves. Whether it be spoken word, or written, body language or facial expressions, they all give people and idea as to how you feel.

Some feelings are easier to express, but they are more natural. Anger is one of those emotions. Anger is what I call an instinct emotion; an emotion in which you act based off of how you feel at that particular moment, not taking into considerate the consequences.

Another instinct emotion is happiness. Happiness is a subtle emotion; one that is very simple to express. When you're happy, you smile, you laugh ect., without necessarily having to think about what to say and what to do.

Sadness is an emotion that is not so instinctive. Although in a lot of cases in can be, this is one emotion that is usually controlled and hidden. People tend to hide sadness because it is usually seen as a weaker emotion; pride doesn't allow the opportunity for the weak. So sadness is tucked away, never to be exposed, never to be tampered with.

Lastly, there is love. Love is pretty tricky, for love can be a combination of things. Some aspects of love are more instinctive than others. Physically, love instinctive. It is easy to hug someone, kiss some, and lay in their arms. Mentally, love is stubborn. It's not so easy to express in words or even writing the exact feeling that takes over your heart.

Another reason why love is so tricky is because the idea of love has been warped by the blackened mind of society. Love has been tainted and turned into something that its not. Love is often confused with pure sex. Indeed, intercourse is a way to express your love to someone, but sex itself is not love.

Love generally can be what you make it. People say that "love is pain". Ideally, this is not true, but in the minds of some, in order to truly be in love, you have to struggle and fight, so their "love" becomes such. Others feel that love is what they see in the big screen, which is unrealistic and more so of an irony than and emotion.

At the end of the day, regardless of how you feel or what you say, everything boils down to one phrase. Olive Juice.

Untitled

She used her MAC wisely,
and was careful not to mess up.
Every shade was matched accordingly
every time she dressed up.

A morning routine she called it
for she had to be perfect on the outside you see,
for inside the was emotionally torn
and she had emotions that needed to be set free.

She had a trouble heart
and had no clue as to which way to go.
her soul cried out to that one,
that one that would never know

because she put on this show
for the whole world to view.
But inside she felt awful.
Inside, she knew she was lying to you.

Say she was just fine,
but never really sure if fine existed.
Always appearing to be okay
only because her real feelings she resisted.

The one that is most important
is the one that matters most,
which made if more difficult
for the subject to be approached.

A tear-wet pillow
dampens her face
her make up as smearing
its time to replace

She had to go back behind her mask.
So she pulled out her make up bag,
selected a few colors
and the eyeliner began to drag

across her eyelids;
bottom and top.
it sealed in the emotions
not another tear dropped.

Next she put on her lipstick
which represented that smile.
The lipstick wasn't everlasting,
but it would stay for a while.

Now she is the beautiful being you see.
Know that she'll never tell
what lies behind those gorgeous eyes
is a burning hell.

She used her MAC wisely,
and was careful not to mess up.
Every shade was matched accordingly
every time she dressed up.

A morning routine she called it
for she had to be perfect on the outside you see,
for inside the was emotionally torn
and she had emotions that needed to be set free.

Emotionally Torn

I was awakened by that ringtone. Not from a slumber, but instead from merely a dream...

Its getting harder and harder to keep myself from crying. More difficult to paint on a smile and shake it off. The real emotions are weighing heavily, and I am unsure of how to express myself, for I never have. Unsure of what to tell you, so I never will.

So easy it is for me to simply say "I miss you", but there is so much more to that. I can't deny what I feel. So passionately do I want to say, "I need you, and now that I've met you, I can't imagine life without you". How eagerly I wish to tell you, "You are my world, you are my everything". But so well, do I hide it. So often do I respond with "Me too" when in all reality, thats not what I mean.

I'm not so great at expressing myself. And I'm even worse at opening up. I hide my feelings and refuse to change in fears of having my heart broken, in fears of scaring you away. I'm afraid of appearing vulnerable, although I clearly am. I fear being torn, shredded and stirred, so I avoid it.

Instead I'll continue to paint on my smile for the world. I'll dry my eyes and reapply my make-up to seal in the emotion inside and just deal with it. I always do, right?

Je t'adore

Je t'adore
I hold back the waters behind my eyes. Such sadness behind them, as I dial 1. Listen to it again, I must, for I miss your voice. I shuffle through the voicemails, trying to listen to what I can. I close my eyes and pretend that you're really there with me, speaking the words I hear. "I miss you too", I tend to respond, accidentally, of course. I sometimes drift off into my fantasy world, forgetting that none of this is real.

Je t'adore
I sometimes lay, and wrap my arms tight around myself, pretending that they are yours. I get under the covers only to create the affect of the warmth of your body touching mine. I close my eyes even tighter than before, and imagine your breathe on my neck, acting as if you were really there to kiss my tenderly.

Je t'adore
I often sit an day dream. I reminisce about our first kiss, our last kiss, and every one in between, thinking about how each one made me want you more and more. I sit and think about how the next one will be, and how many there will be after. I dream about the day our lips will touch again, I dream about the day our eyes will meet.

Je t'adore
I flip through the same pictures over and over again, just so I can see your face. I sometimes go off into a daze, getting lost in your eyes as if they were really in front of me. I look at you, looking at me, smiling. I smile back, only to realize that you're not really here.

Je t'adore.
Tu me manques.

Questions of Life

"I wish I had the words, but I don't. I wish I could be that ONE, but I'm not. How useless I feel in this sad and oppressed society, in which I am powerless." --Tyra Nicole

Has there ever been a time where you were at a loss of words? I don't mean love struck or dumb founded. But a time where you want to say something, you NEED to say something, but you just can't find the words?

Why is it that in our hearts, we want to do right, we always want the power to help others, but our minds sometimes won't allows us to do it? Why are there times when out souls and our spirits refuse to operate as one entity?

Why is it that we always know what to say and what to do, but when it comes down to that one and only person that NEEDS us, we're unsure?

How come we can't always be there? Why can't we always be around to help, to hold? We say we'll always be there, we want to be that ONE, but when it comes down to it, why do we feel the most pain? Why are we hurt when we're not physically and mentally able?

Why do we feel as though we're never doing enough? Why do we feel like we're never there?

Just some questions that I can't answer.

Definition of Love

"Love doesn't question, because love trust. Love is sincere and all knowing. Love is confident and free of worries. Love keeps her word. Who are you to truly define her?"

Though I do believe in love, I feel as though people have such a desire to be in love, that they fool themselves into thinking that they are. Although definitions of love can be different, who is to really say what love is and what love isn't?

A question was asked today in a forum:
"LADIES....WAT DO U SEE LOVE AS

A FOUR LETTER WORD
OR SOMETHING ELSE.....?!"

I feel that when you're truly in love, you won't exactly know why you love the person. Its one thing to acknowledge and list qualities you like about a person i.e. "I love your smile, the way you make me feel, ect." and to actually be in love with a person. I feel that love goes beyond simply saying it. Love is something that takes over you: your mind, body, and soul, and allows you to connect and sync emotionally with another individual. When in love, there is no reason to second guess yourself, because you know in your heart it's right. Although you may not always agree, never once does it cross your mind that you "hate" them, or that you can't make it. Love is a confident feeling. Love doesn't envy, because Love always trust. Love has no reason to question, because Love is all knowing. Love is willing to do whatever, whenever, for that particular person that has captured your heart...

Many people say they're in love, but how many times do we question our so called "lovers"? How often do we claim to hate them after an disagreement? How often do we worry every time they leave our sight and hang out with friends?

I feel that a lot of people should think twice before announcing that they are in love with someone.

Random Blurb 4/14/2008

"We lose many battles in life, but when you find someone to help you fight the fight, you're deemed victorious" --Tyra Nicole

Its not often that we find someone that we can actually call "the one"; someone that we know will be by our side forever. Its rare to find someone that doesn't cause any doubt in your mind, that no matter what, they will remain true to you. Whether its a friend or lover, it's a complete and utter rarity to reach that nirvana we call "forever".

We often feel that a loved one lost is for the worst. But by Destiny, everything happens for a reason. Although at a particular moment, it may not seem right, this is merely a battle. A little obstacle; just a piece of you life that consists of a bit of hardship.

But be not weary, for your time will come. People often come and go, as do feelings. But when one good thing comes into your life, and you need not question it, you've found your peace. You've gained one.

Immediately you'll experience that this one begins to grow and multiply, into something that you never though you'd be able to experience. "This can only happen in movies" you think to yourself. Little do you realize that this fantasy you're experiencing is the real thing. You realize that the temptations are coming fast, and all odds are against you. But in your mind, you know this is it. And you take everything head on.

Victorious, I appear in the eyes of most. But to you I'm just completely amazing. Because you are the one that has help me fight these battles, and it is because of you that I can smile and not be afraid to step forward.

I've had many people enter and exit this plaza of My Life, but never one such as thou. Never one like you.

--Tyra Nicole

No Mercy. No Pity. No Regret.

Some say it is human to give and receive. But why is it, that we feel that we always give so much, when in all reality, we've given little to nothing at all? How many times can you honestly say, someone has been able to come to you with their issues, you were able to give sound advice, and the situation was resolved? Think about it.

I personally can say, I've been by the side of some during the tears, during the heartbreaks, during and through the drama. After being talked about and hated, bruised, broken and tried, I was a faithful companion, and always forgive those that tend to treat me like scum occasionally. But in my transition to adulthood, I realize that people grow, whether its up or apart, they do grow. I realize that the games, the feelings, the drama that was once tolerated, no longer entertains me. I've also grown to decipher (through constantly dealing with others of course) whats fact, whats fiction, and the difference between a cry for attention, a legit emotion and utter "bitchassness" as it would be put by a few friends of mine.

Perfectionist you are not my dear child, neither am I, for you and I both are merely human. You are not God, nor are you the Devil; you are just flesh and blood. To those souls that feel offended by this, I am talking to you because it needs to be said. You always look to take, you always look to get upset. But when do you try to resolve? When have you been there? You should take a step back, and read through the book of Your Life's Past before you throw your tantrums our way. When I say our, I'm speaking of the people that are sick and tired of giving, and tolerating, and acting like nothing is wrong. The people that pretend to hear nothing, pretend to know nothing for the sake of friendship. I'm talking about the people that swallow every bit of pride they have, and forgive you like nothing ever happened. I'm speaking about every person that you've ever hurt, lied to, stole from or cheated.

So this is what I have for you.

No Mercy. No Pity. No Regret.

For you see, you've cause enough damage in the past as it is. We've tried to choose sides, we've tried to be neutral, neither of which can satisfy your personal standards. So since we can't satisfy you, since we can't quench your need for this love, attention, help, and presence that you claim you don't have, we can no longer be of service to you, for we've done everything we can. We bid you adieu, for nothing else can be done with your state of mind.