To Passion

Passion.
I look at the clock...
Yea. Its about time we've met again.
Its been a while...
I never thought you'd make me wait.
Are you in a hurry?
You don't appear to be wasting time.
You don't have to rush, dear Passion.
We have all night.
You caress my body,
and whisper those nothings in my ear.
Soon those nothings turn to everythings..
what I've been waiting for is here.
You kiss me tender,
with lips so soft
You stare at me,
in your eyes I'm lost.
I lay on my back,
and breath deep
I soon feel you on top on me
your presence is bitter sweet
You always know exactly what to do, Passion..
Its not just merely fore play.
You know when to kiss and when to do more.
You always do things my way.
I melt in your arms,
but emotionally I'm strong
You've always had that effect on me
and with that I see nothing wrong.
The tension builds
as I feel our souls come together.
Although its only been a few months,
I feel like we've been in love forever.
I feel you breathing
it sends chills up my spine.
Every time I feel you, Passion,
the feelings you create are divine.
I feel you taking me over;
My breathing gets heavy;
my muscles begin tensing,
we're both ready.
Only you hear
my silent screams of satisfaction.
And a great thing about you, Passion,
is that all you want is a reaction.
I can't hold back anymore
the tensity is beginning to increase.
I pull back
and release...

I'm Not The Soldier I Thought I Was

I'm not the soldier I thought I was;
Emotions run too freely.
I'm not built so army strong,
for I break so easily.
Blood trace and heart aches
is all I feel inside.
I don't know why its getting to me.
Still feelings I try to hide.
The tapping of my fingers
appears to soothe my soul,
but its only temporary
cuz soon the nights turn cold.
Harsh and lonely,
too many cares in the world
all because this soldier
is just a simple girl.

I'm not the soldier I though I was;
I can't even speak my heart.
I want to try, and try again
but my mind knows not where to start.
So many things unsaid
that I wish I could share with you
but in my mind they all seem selfish;
Showing my lack of gratitude.
So here is my beginning,
during what is nearing the end
Im pouring my heart out to you,
so that you may not question it again.
Open up your eyes,
and open up your mind,
although what you find here
may not be a surprise.

I'm not the soldier I thought I was;
every second wanting to be in you arms
I'm trying to begin to cope
with the idea of you being so far.
Limited is my time spoken
more limited is my time spent.
And now that the separation is oh so near
I can't figure out where the time went.
I don't wish to interfere,
I have no desire to impede.
But its really hard to do so,
when i have such demanding needs.
I don't wish to appear greedy,
I don't wish to appear rotten,
But I just want to spend my days,
those that have been forgotten.

I'm not the soldier I though I was;
You're always in my thoughts
I don't know why I feel this way,
its not how this soldier was taught.
I can't stand the thought is missing you,
you being so far away.
But it hits me harder and harder,
until I'm broken down day by day.
I let it get to me,
thats not what soldiers do
Maybe I'm not so tough after all,
Maybe my weapons aren't true.
Bullets of tears
a grenade of pain;
Why did it take me so long
to see these were fake.

I'm not the soldier I though I was;
I've become oh so broken,
So stitch me up and send me home,
for I can no longer focus.
"Soldier down", they say,
Though I was never a soldier at all
I just wore the camouflage
to cover my weaknesses and flaws.
In front of you I appeared
on guard and ready
Aiming straight for the target,
my rifle steady.
But inside, I was hiding
from my greatest fear--you,
But I'm beginning to come out
for you deserve to know the truth.

Neva Change

I wrote this poem intentionally with bad language usage and some improper grammar, because I want you all to understand the dialect because it adds to the meaning of the poem

This poem has multiple meanings, and can be viewed in more than one way. Take what you need from it, and use it.

Through good times, hard times things it still remain.
Its hard to believe 'cause I can't maintain
the thought of things always stayin the same.
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

Close my eyes and wake up, ain't a damn thing change.
Even though I'm grown up, ain't a damn thing change.
Its amazing how we think change is just insane
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

Everytime I see you, I feel somethin strange.
Everytime I feel you, it tingles in my vains.
Broken words and broken thoughts its always been that way.
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

When things hit the rocks all we do is complain,
he say, she say, they say the same damn thang;
Open up your eyes so you can see the pain.
damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

Shake it up, pour it out, feel my rain
'cause its quite obvious you wish I neva had came,
you wish I wasn't a visitor in this place.
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

When you think about it, all we afta is fame,
and anything worth knowin is some how lame,
Open up a book, you may learn some thangs.
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

Always point fingers, lookin to blame.
Always criticizin, tryna cause shame.
Shit, I never though that you could be so vain.
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change.

Damn I can't believe how some things ain't change
Damn I can't believe how some things just can't change.
Damn I can't believe how some things just won't change,
Damn I can't believe how some things neva change

Insomniac

--All I can seem to do is live in a deathly fashion; I lie on my back, in a dark cold room, alone, with no one to comfort me, for no one else is in my current state. My mind draws blank, for I can't continue to think, for thinking is the enemy of one such as myself, at this time of day rather.

My dark night soon turns to morning, and morning to light, but not quite day. I close my eyes to create the darkness again, for the darkness was my only security, for as long as it was dark, I still had a chance for a tranquil slumber.

"To bed by 7, maybe I'll be up by 9", I sigh to myself, now realizing how long of a day is ahead of me. Too many hours in a day, but no so many in the night. Its never enough, for I am never able. I'm the insomniac.

Dear Infinity

It’s not common that we find someone to whom you are willing to devote your time. It’s rare that we find someone in which we may put all of our trust. It’s an oddity to find so much comfort in one’s arms that you feel it is your destiny, that you belong; that you could lay with that person forever.

In the eyes of most, love is an idea as opposed to an emotion. I, being the “hopeless romantic”, could never completely turn my back on love as an emotion, but instead chose to turn it into infinity, something that is definite and everlasting.

My dear infinity, I am back again, this time to say thank you.

Thank you for introducing a special someone into my life; someone who tries to fulfill my every desire, someone that supports me to the fullest extent. I thank you for presenting unto me, the heart of another that shares my thoughts and ideas. Thank you for allowing me to unite with someone that comforts me; someone by which I feel protected.

Oh, infinity, though you have had minimal appearances in my life, you always impact it in the most effective way. So unto you, I offer my heart to give to my infinity, my world, Kisshawn, so that forever we may stand. May you continue to stay true and pure, may you forever be amongst us.

Dear Infinity, I call you Love.

Just a dream

It is quite frequent that we confuse dreams with reality; that we mix fact and fantasy. But why do we do such? Is it to simply ease our minds? Does creating some imaginary belief in a fantasy world truly conquer our fears? Does the self-generated idea of complete and utter perfection eternally mask self-implied flaw? Why is it that we are quick to be optimistic, in the time of the realist; always looking to think of the best,only to be knocked down by Mother Truth?

It should be universally understood that wishes and dreams are okay, but only when marked by reality and followed up by goals. Otherwise, its time wasted, that could be devoted to more important tasks, people and objects. It is important to remember not to get so caught up in a dream, that you forget what is real. Many have fallen by doing such, being left without a helping hand; for everything real continues to overlook them, and pass them by...

Just a random though..

Blurb 5/18/08

"To some people, you may appear useless and lacking value. But in the eyes of another, you are a treasure, a keep sake; something to be cherished forever" --Tyra Nicole

Oh how I wish you'd understand
that what I feel for you
is not something to be reckoned with.
You are my everything,
but I'm sure you already knew that.
You're all that I want;
I'm sure you knew that too.
Never once have I had to question
you ideas and discretion.
I'm never been given a reason
to mistrust or misunderstand,
for you, my darling, are flawless.
Although in the eyes of some
you may be a wreck,
you are pefect to me.
You are my knight, my stength;
my support, my queen.
I care for you like I care for no other.
I give more to you
that to anyone else
For you are deservant of everything I have and more.
So much I want to do that I just can't.
So much I want for you,
that I just can't obtain.
May you never fathom the feelings I have for you?
Maybe if you could simply see
the way I think of you all the time.
Maybe if you could live in mind,
if only for a day,
so that you may comprehend
the levels of passion, and desire;
the constant urgency of your presence,
and the utter desire to be touched by you.
And so I go on, with my words of many,
but they never seem to be enough.
Is it true that actions do indeed speak louder?
Or is there anymore that I can do?
I carry on my heart that big corpulent word;
that silent feeling that takes over my body.
But how shall I go about expressing this to you?
In what ways can I help you to understand?
I guess with feelings, things can never be simplified,
so may be go hand in hand, step by step,
treating each day as it was our last.
Maybe we'll be lucky enough to tremble upon
the clarity, accordance and understanding for which i have longed.

Acceptance

Fallen.
I am just that,
and I shall no longer deny.
No longer will I fight my heart
in this losing battle of Love.
No longer will I shout against
the belief in these feeling I have for you.
No longer will I secretly declare
in my dreams I have of you
the feelings that take over me
with just a single thought.
I continue to write,
but I find it nearly impossible to say.
I don't have a single nerve in my body
confident enough to express it.
I have neither bone nor organ
strong enough to keep me up.
But I have come a bit further.
I've come a mile from before.
Maybe I'll take a rest from my long journey.
Baby steps I tell myself,
for I simply don't wish to appear a fool for Love.
But deep down inside,
I'm about as foolish as one can get.
I am more foolish now than I was before;
its this feeling.
This expression inside
puts me at a loss of words.
But I'm at this step,
unsure of what come next
after this Acceptance.

I'm Glad You're Mine

Some say it takes a life time, while other believe in love at first sight. Some people feel that there is no such thing as love, while others simply live their life as a love story.

Regardless of what others think or how others feel, I know for a fact that what we have is like no other. Its a truth that I was meanth for your arms, and you lips were made for mine. And it is an utter rarity that one simply tramples upon someone like you.

Though you don't often give yourself the credit you deserve, you are an all around perfection in my eyes. You're a best friend, you're a sister, you're a care-taker (in the sense that you do what you can, not in the sense that you are a guardian or baby-sitter) and you are the girlfriend.
You always know when something is wrong, although I refuse to express it. And you do what you can to bring a smile to my face. You appear to do such without effort, but I appreciate you for everything you say and do. Everything from your text messages throughout the day, to your dedication to our relationship makes me glad to call you mine.

When I'm with you, its as if I was created to be there in your arms and nowhere else. When you kiss me, its as if no one else exist. All the things you've said to me, I haven't forget, for everything you've said is a keepsake; something that I will cherish forever. Your words are bittersweet, and regardless of how sparingly you say them, they are everlasting in my mind.

You soothe my soul, and cleanse my mind. You enable me to say and do things that I've never done before, and for that, I appreciate you even more. You appear to place me preeminantly above many things even though you don't have to. You put time into "us", which people rarely stick around to do. You remain by my side through my bratiness, and through my emotional barriers. You aren't quick to judge, but instead you're quick to listen with understanding ears and an open heart. You've given me value in your life, and have also given me something to look forward to everyday. Although you're not here physically, you always make it key to appear beside me in spirit.

You say I'm great, but I'll always say you're greater. I'll never feel that I've done enough for you, for you've come into my life and showed me a new side of things...

I'm glad you're mine.

Telephone

"My heart is heavy; mind is jogging, and she sits by the phone, tapping her fingers. She's disappointed by the ringtone she soon hears, because it isn't you" --Tyra Nicole

I stare at it
As it stares back at me
It lays, cold, idol--
Nothing to keep it company

I flip open the phone
And leave it until the screen turns black
I think to myself, phone in hand
"Where's her voice? When will she come back?"

Like a child anxiously waiting
I can't get it off my mind.
This one little phone call,
doesn't matter how short the time.

Anytime is a good time
as long as I get to hear you.
You voice is like the icing on the cake,
to let me know the day is through.

We can sit and discuss anything
and regardless of how bad i feel,
your voice carries away my worries
your voice ends the deal.

Its the last thing I hear at night
And the only thing I think about during the day,
aside from physically being with you, of course,
and the only possible way

to keep me moving forward
to make me want to come home,
so that I may relax with you
and talk on the telephone.

So I sit back and tap my fingers.
I keep waiting for my phone to ring.
And finally I recieve a phone call.
But what I hear now, isn't the same thing.

Thats not what i hear
when you usually call.
The person on the other side of the phone
isn't who I want at all.

I can't believe I'm waiting like this
and I can't believe how I feel.
But never have I desires something so passionately.
Never has my passion been so real.

One little voice for a few minutes
goes a really long way,
because at night, when I hear you voice,
It soothes my soul and I'm okay.

So Mr. Telephone,
please stop playing with my mind.
Please stop with all this nonsense
until she dials my line.

I'm not blaming you,
no not at all.
I'm not blaming anyone
I just want her to call.

Olive Juice

There are so many ways that one can express themselves. Whether it be spoken word, or written, body language or facial expressions, they all give people and idea as to how you feel.

Some feelings are easier to express, but they are more natural. Anger is one of those emotions. Anger is what I call an instinct emotion; an emotion in which you act based off of how you feel at that particular moment, not taking into considerate the consequences.

Another instinct emotion is happiness. Happiness is a subtle emotion; one that is very simple to express. When you're happy, you smile, you laugh ect., without necessarily having to think about what to say and what to do.

Sadness is an emotion that is not so instinctive. Although in a lot of cases in can be, this is one emotion that is usually controlled and hidden. People tend to hide sadness because it is usually seen as a weaker emotion; pride doesn't allow the opportunity for the weak. So sadness is tucked away, never to be exposed, never to be tampered with.

Lastly, there is love. Love is pretty tricky, for love can be a combination of things. Some aspects of love are more instinctive than others. Physically, love instinctive. It is easy to hug someone, kiss some, and lay in their arms. Mentally, love is stubborn. It's not so easy to express in words or even writing the exact feeling that takes over your heart.

Another reason why love is so tricky is because the idea of love has been warped by the blackened mind of society. Love has been tainted and turned into something that its not. Love is often confused with pure sex. Indeed, intercourse is a way to express your love to someone, but sex itself is not love.

Love generally can be what you make it. People say that "love is pain". Ideally, this is not true, but in the minds of some, in order to truly be in love, you have to struggle and fight, so their "love" becomes such. Others feel that love is what they see in the big screen, which is unrealistic and more so of an irony than and emotion.

At the end of the day, regardless of how you feel or what you say, everything boils down to one phrase. Olive Juice.

Untitled

She used her MAC wisely,
and was careful not to mess up.
Every shade was matched accordingly
every time she dressed up.

A morning routine she called it
for she had to be perfect on the outside you see,
for inside the was emotionally torn
and she had emotions that needed to be set free.

She had a trouble heart
and had no clue as to which way to go.
her soul cried out to that one,
that one that would never know

because she put on this show
for the whole world to view.
But inside she felt awful.
Inside, she knew she was lying to you.

Say she was just fine,
but never really sure if fine existed.
Always appearing to be okay
only because her real feelings she resisted.

The one that is most important
is the one that matters most,
which made if more difficult
for the subject to be approached.

A tear-wet pillow
dampens her face
her make up as smearing
its time to replace

She had to go back behind her mask.
So she pulled out her make up bag,
selected a few colors
and the eyeliner began to drag

across her eyelids;
bottom and top.
it sealed in the emotions
not another tear dropped.

Next she put on her lipstick
which represented that smile.
The lipstick wasn't everlasting,
but it would stay for a while.

Now she is the beautiful being you see.
Know that she'll never tell
what lies behind those gorgeous eyes
is a burning hell.

She used her MAC wisely,
and was careful not to mess up.
Every shade was matched accordingly
every time she dressed up.

A morning routine she called it
for she had to be perfect on the outside you see,
for inside the was emotionally torn
and she had emotions that needed to be set free.

Emotionally Torn

I was awakened by that ringtone. Not from a slumber, but instead from merely a dream...

Its getting harder and harder to keep myself from crying. More difficult to paint on a smile and shake it off. The real emotions are weighing heavily, and I am unsure of how to express myself, for I never have. Unsure of what to tell you, so I never will.

So easy it is for me to simply say "I miss you", but there is so much more to that. I can't deny what I feel. So passionately do I want to say, "I need you, and now that I've met you, I can't imagine life without you". How eagerly I wish to tell you, "You are my world, you are my everything". But so well, do I hide it. So often do I respond with "Me too" when in all reality, thats not what I mean.

I'm not so great at expressing myself. And I'm even worse at opening up. I hide my feelings and refuse to change in fears of having my heart broken, in fears of scaring you away. I'm afraid of appearing vulnerable, although I clearly am. I fear being torn, shredded and stirred, so I avoid it.

Instead I'll continue to paint on my smile for the world. I'll dry my eyes and reapply my make-up to seal in the emotion inside and just deal with it. I always do, right?

Je t'adore

Je t'adore
I hold back the waters behind my eyes. Such sadness behind them, as I dial 1. Listen to it again, I must, for I miss your voice. I shuffle through the voicemails, trying to listen to what I can. I close my eyes and pretend that you're really there with me, speaking the words I hear. "I miss you too", I tend to respond, accidentally, of course. I sometimes drift off into my fantasy world, forgetting that none of this is real.

Je t'adore
I sometimes lay, and wrap my arms tight around myself, pretending that they are yours. I get under the covers only to create the affect of the warmth of your body touching mine. I close my eyes even tighter than before, and imagine your breathe on my neck, acting as if you were really there to kiss my tenderly.

Je t'adore
I often sit an day dream. I reminisce about our first kiss, our last kiss, and every one in between, thinking about how each one made me want you more and more. I sit and think about how the next one will be, and how many there will be after. I dream about the day our lips will touch again, I dream about the day our eyes will meet.

Je t'adore
I flip through the same pictures over and over again, just so I can see your face. I sometimes go off into a daze, getting lost in your eyes as if they were really in front of me. I look at you, looking at me, smiling. I smile back, only to realize that you're not really here.

Je t'adore.
Tu me manques.

Questions of Life

"I wish I had the words, but I don't. I wish I could be that ONE, but I'm not. How useless I feel in this sad and oppressed society, in which I am powerless." --Tyra Nicole

Has there ever been a time where you were at a loss of words? I don't mean love struck or dumb founded. But a time where you want to say something, you NEED to say something, but you just can't find the words?

Why is it that in our hearts, we want to do right, we always want the power to help others, but our minds sometimes won't allows us to do it? Why are there times when out souls and our spirits refuse to operate as one entity?

Why is it that we always know what to say and what to do, but when it comes down to that one and only person that NEEDS us, we're unsure?

How come we can't always be there? Why can't we always be around to help, to hold? We say we'll always be there, we want to be that ONE, but when it comes down to it, why do we feel the most pain? Why are we hurt when we're not physically and mentally able?

Why do we feel as though we're never doing enough? Why do we feel like we're never there?

Just some questions that I can't answer.

Definition of Love

"Love doesn't question, because love trust. Love is sincere and all knowing. Love is confident and free of worries. Love keeps her word. Who are you to truly define her?"

Though I do believe in love, I feel as though people have such a desire to be in love, that they fool themselves into thinking that they are. Although definitions of love can be different, who is to really say what love is and what love isn't?

A question was asked today in a forum:
"LADIES....WAT DO U SEE LOVE AS

A FOUR LETTER WORD
OR SOMETHING ELSE.....?!"

I feel that when you're truly in love, you won't exactly know why you love the person. Its one thing to acknowledge and list qualities you like about a person i.e. "I love your smile, the way you make me feel, ect." and to actually be in love with a person. I feel that love goes beyond simply saying it. Love is something that takes over you: your mind, body, and soul, and allows you to connect and sync emotionally with another individual. When in love, there is no reason to second guess yourself, because you know in your heart it's right. Although you may not always agree, never once does it cross your mind that you "hate" them, or that you can't make it. Love is a confident feeling. Love doesn't envy, because Love always trust. Love has no reason to question, because Love is all knowing. Love is willing to do whatever, whenever, for that particular person that has captured your heart...

Many people say they're in love, but how many times do we question our so called "lovers"? How often do we claim to hate them after an disagreement? How often do we worry every time they leave our sight and hang out with friends?

I feel that a lot of people should think twice before announcing that they are in love with someone.

Random Blurb 4/14/2008

"We lose many battles in life, but when you find someone to help you fight the fight, you're deemed victorious" --Tyra Nicole

Its not often that we find someone that we can actually call "the one"; someone that we know will be by our side forever. Its rare to find someone that doesn't cause any doubt in your mind, that no matter what, they will remain true to you. Whether its a friend or lover, it's a complete and utter rarity to reach that nirvana we call "forever".

We often feel that a loved one lost is for the worst. But by Destiny, everything happens for a reason. Although at a particular moment, it may not seem right, this is merely a battle. A little obstacle; just a piece of you life that consists of a bit of hardship.

But be not weary, for your time will come. People often come and go, as do feelings. But when one good thing comes into your life, and you need not question it, you've found your peace. You've gained one.

Immediately you'll experience that this one begins to grow and multiply, into something that you never though you'd be able to experience. "This can only happen in movies" you think to yourself. Little do you realize that this fantasy you're experiencing is the real thing. You realize that the temptations are coming fast, and all odds are against you. But in your mind, you know this is it. And you take everything head on.

Victorious, I appear in the eyes of most. But to you I'm just completely amazing. Because you are the one that has help me fight these battles, and it is because of you that I can smile and not be afraid to step forward.

I've had many people enter and exit this plaza of My Life, but never one such as thou. Never one like you.

--Tyra Nicole

No Mercy. No Pity. No Regret.

Some say it is human to give and receive. But why is it, that we feel that we always give so much, when in all reality, we've given little to nothing at all? How many times can you honestly say, someone has been able to come to you with their issues, you were able to give sound advice, and the situation was resolved? Think about it.

I personally can say, I've been by the side of some during the tears, during the heartbreaks, during and through the drama. After being talked about and hated, bruised, broken and tried, I was a faithful companion, and always forgive those that tend to treat me like scum occasionally. But in my transition to adulthood, I realize that people grow, whether its up or apart, they do grow. I realize that the games, the feelings, the drama that was once tolerated, no longer entertains me. I've also grown to decipher (through constantly dealing with others of course) whats fact, whats fiction, and the difference between a cry for attention, a legit emotion and utter "bitchassness" as it would be put by a few friends of mine.

Perfectionist you are not my dear child, neither am I, for you and I both are merely human. You are not God, nor are you the Devil; you are just flesh and blood. To those souls that feel offended by this, I am talking to you because it needs to be said. You always look to take, you always look to get upset. But when do you try to resolve? When have you been there? You should take a step back, and read through the book of Your Life's Past before you throw your tantrums our way. When I say our, I'm speaking of the people that are sick and tired of giving, and tolerating, and acting like nothing is wrong. The people that pretend to hear nothing, pretend to know nothing for the sake of friendship. I'm talking about the people that swallow every bit of pride they have, and forgive you like nothing ever happened. I'm speaking about every person that you've ever hurt, lied to, stole from or cheated.

So this is what I have for you.

No Mercy. No Pity. No Regret.

For you see, you've cause enough damage in the past as it is. We've tried to choose sides, we've tried to be neutral, neither of which can satisfy your personal standards. So since we can't satisfy you, since we can't quench your need for this love, attention, help, and presence that you claim you don't have, we can no longer be of service to you, for we've done everything we can. We bid you adieu, for nothing else can be done with your state of mind.

-----

It hurts to feel betrayed, to feel broken. Its a pain to feel a heartbreak such as that I've experience from you. I felt I knew you, I felt that I loved you and vise versa. We were a ride or die duo and nothing could ever part us; or so I thought.

It would be wrong to hold a grudge. So that I won't. Forgive you I will, because its the right thing to do. Why have the burden on my heart, but I do understand, it will be hard for things to ever be the same -- you hurt me so, and that I could never forget.

Family is family, regardless of what you said. You're blood, you were a role model. You were my friend. But the thug in you couldn't settle; of course you wouldn't have it any other way.

Never in my life did I think that words and actions could pierce and soul as solid as mine, could penetrate my heart, so bold. But you, my sweet have managed to do so, and have managed to break me down to ashes.

All I wanted was your respect, just for a minute or two. But now I see how you really feel. That the past to you is only the past. I still cherish every moment we spent. And while I'm willing to put this behind me, I will never be able to look at you the same way again.

So here I am. Just me. To the world I say: Take it or leave it, for you will receive nothing more. If you don't like it, fine. For I can walk alone. I'm strong, I'm intelligent, nothing can conquer me. At times I may grow weary, and at times I might appear to be unsure. But in the end, I realize, that though good friend can sometimes be of service, I can only rely on myself.

So I don't bid farewell to thee, for this shall not be the end. Maybe a change for the better, for everything has its purpose.

Prisoner

--The bars, the chains the whole nine. I can't help but watch the time pass me by. So faced paced life is, but here I am. A mere prisoner. Not your average prisoner; no, thats not me. This time, I, the prisoner am I victim. A victim to your judgmental eyes and your cutting thoughts of appraisal. You yourselves feel you have the power to decide my worth, but who are you to decide my worth, when you have nothing to do with my fate, dear friend. Woe is she, some think to themselves, but my alter ego can't help but think "Woe is you, who feels the right to judge me before even discovering yourself".

Even with this said, I can't help but second guess. Am I what you say I am? Or am I something totally different? I can't help but sit and contemplate the difference between my soul in the eyes of society and the heart in the eyes Reality.

I continue to watch the passersby, without giving a second thought as to who they are, and where they come from. All that matters is that I am me, and they are they. Behind these bars, I'm somewhat safe from them. I'm safe from their shards of rage, that often slip from their tongues, and slide through the bars only to penetrate my soul and leave me scorned.

In the end, all I can do is wallow in the sounds of my shackles, and every now and then, bring joy by reaching out to touch one of them every now and then. But I'm always sure to bring my hand back quick enough, so that I may not be hurt again, so that I may not be mistreated any more than I already have; so that I may live tear free, and may appear strong to those stinging judging eyes. So that you may not make a mockery of me.

I continued to tell myself that I am my own prisoner, I choose to do this on my own; but how can I believe this, when I do this all because of society. A prisoner is a prisoner, yes. But who is it up to to set me free in the end. Myself or you?

Random Thought

The thought graces my mind with such ease. Not once have I been able to think of something, and be so calm, feel so secure. Something about this thought just calms my nerves, even if I'm at my worse. As I gather my thought, there appears your face. Time and time again I find myself in this position; finding it hard to picture anyone but you; finding it difficult to erase this image of you from my mind, even if only temporarily.

I tend to lose sight of the rest of the world, but I never seem to lose sight of you, nor do I lose site of this thought; this dream; this possible fairy tale of you and I -- together. Every second spent thinking about you, is a second closer to that glory; a second more that I feel myself falling for you; a second more I have to discover something great about you that I hadn't known before.

When I'm around you, I'm carefree. As I lay in your arms, I feel like this bond is unbreakable. Although this is not always the reality of things, I often find myself dreaming; dreaming of how I want things to be -- how they will be, if not forever, long enough for me to appreciate it, embrace it, and learn from it.

Some call me a hopeless romantic. Others may just consider me insane. But I know, its all honestly I have just been graced by the likings of you.

The Wind Blows Constantly

The Wind Blows Constantly
The Wind blows constantly;
persistently revealing its secrets.
the secrets of those weeping in the night,
the secrets of those that wish on the stars,
the secrets of those with a shattered heart.

The Wind blows constantly;
carrying off every burden of the soul,
silently telling stories
of the world's sorrows
and the world's past.

The Wind blows constantly;
The Wind is always there
when you need it most.
The Wind is always speaking.
But when will we take time to listen?

Re: Untitled (Kisshawn)

So many times have we been broken down by others; finding it hard to trust, hard to completely feel comfortable around someone for whom you care so much, difficult to love. It's hard to just hand your heart over to someone after so many tears, so many sleepless nights, so many battles lost.

Never for a second has any doubt of your feelings for me crossed my mind. Nor have I ever denied my feelings for you. It's an utter rarity that someone brings a sincere smile across my face quite like you do. I feel as though I could talk to you about anything, any one, how I'm feeling. Why I'm so comfortable around you, I'm not sure. Never have I been able to open up to someone the way I have done with you in weeks past. You tolerate me, and accept me as the beautiful flaw I am. You understand me even through my awkwardness. Late night conversations on the phone are new to me. I always wanted to partake in a few, but never met someone who cared enough to sit on the other side. I feel as though you know me as no one else does. You're perfect in my eyes and I'm not sure how I could be any happier.

I've learned that patience is the key to some of life's best experiences. So regardless of your current frustrations, I feel that if we were meant to be, we will be. When the time is right, neither of us would have to second guess ourselves, neither of us would feel wronged, neither of us would feel guilty. When the time is right, I'm sure there would be pure bliss; no doubts, no regrets. Just us. Just happiness. But until it is revealed to us what Patience holds, I want to be that lationship that makes you smile. I want to be that lationship that will rebuild you. I want to be that lationship that you will never forget because of the numerous positive moments we've shared. I want to be that lationship that makes you feel like the only woman in the world. I want to be THE lationship.

All she could do was smile

Some see her as a suicide victim; a person suffocated by her own thoughts, desires and will. Others felt it was homicide, for those from her past ripped out her heart, and punctured her soul only to watch every last bit of life drip from her body. Her big heart, heavy heart after so many layers of emotional bandages plastered it for so long. Shattered it was underneath these bandages, but no one should ever know.

She smiled on mechanically; like a robot she was inside. She was empty, she was emotionless. It was as if she were programmed to smile through worse and worst times. She’s not to be confused with deranged, for this she is not. She’s simply dead. Dead on the inside from all the sorrow that has burned so deep. Dead on the inside from the hatred that has engulfed every portion of her body.

The smile she reveals is no longer one of glee, but instead one of confusion. No longer does she know the difference between luck and an omen, laughing and crying, joy and pain because now it’s all just the same. People are the same. Occurrences are the same. Some say it helps to cry. She constantly feels the tears stinging the back of her eyes, but they never flow.

And she’s left with this bitter, hollow smile.

To Infinity

There's so much bottled up inside, because regardless of how I feel for you, how I feel about you, I can never come up with the courage yo open up to you. So many thoughts left unsaid, so many actions left undone; so many opportunities have passed me by. I'm left to wonder if there's anything left; if there will ever be another chance. I count down the days until I get to feel your warmth against mine, stare deeply into your soft eyes, or walk hand in hand down the empty street. I suddenly feel the need to clear my mind. I take a walk.

There's an eclipse in the sky above me. I can't help but position my head to admire its significance. Immediately, with a simple glance, I'm reminded of you. The moon so full of beauty and wisdom, much like your soul. This eclipse, a rarity, reminds me of the odds of finding another like you. So pure, so tranquil. Like your heart. I continue to move forward; the white snow crushing under my feet soon brings me back to reality. Is it all really a dream? Or is there truly someone like you out there for me?

Another cold night. So dark and alone. My only companions are the stars above. I soon come to the realization that my attempts to be rid of you are unsuccessful. I find the nearest bench, and I weep. No longer is this mask of happiness covering my face. No longer is this blanket of security shielding me from my own feelings. So terribly do I yearn for one to care for me just as much as I care for them. And for years have I dreamt of the day I could hold someone in my arms and never have doubt that this was forever. I'm now vulnerable, unmasked, and the uneasiness I once felt about opening up to you is now appeased.

This is dedicated to infinity. The only thing that last an eternity; The only thing that I know will never fail me, will never stop searching for something to fill my void. I've learned not to count on love, because love forsakes you. Love will stab you in the back with no remorse. So, Infinity my sweet, I know one day you will fullfill my wishes. I know someday you will bring me a bit more happiness. I dry my face, and paint on a brand new smile for the world to see. Once the new day approaches, I will be okay. Right?

Re: Untitled (To Iyana)

My mind; oh so cluttered with thoughts
Or am I thinking nothing at all?
I sit lifelessly in front of this keyboard
Typing aimlessly;
Not sure what to say
Not sure where to begin
Or if there's even a beginning

I stand alone
Waiting for someone to reach out:
To take my hand,
To comfort me,
To understand the emptiness that lies within
I turn around to find no one

The tears begin to form a river
Along what was once my face
But is now a host to a common but vacant smile
No longer do I feel the urge to speak
But I do feel as though I have something to say
Something that needs to be heard;
Something that has for so long yearned to be released
But my mind, my body and my soul
Have yet to cooperate to allow me to make sense of it

I now feel as though I'm a lost cause
No one can help me now
I'm no longer sure how to help myself,
As if I ever were for that matter
But I keep fighting, fighting, fighting
For what?
Have I lost sight of my source?
Or has it lost sight of me?
Was there even any cause to begin with?

Maybe if I knew what to feel,
How to feel
I could be whole
I could be Bliss.
But until then...

My mind; oh so cluttered with thoughts
Or am I thinking nothing at all?
I sit lifelessly in front of this keyboard
Typing aimlessly;
Not sure what to say
Not sure where to begin
Or if there's even a beginning

Mistakes

I once read from an amazing person, that no matter what you do for someone, they will always remember what you didn't break your back to do for them. At some point, I could never fully understand what this meant, but I've recently come across an experience that has opened my eyes to this truth.

As humans, we constantly make mistakes. Regardless of how hard we try to be perfect, faults are always made. Some are minor, while others are concerned with a more major scale. But with this knowledge, why is it that we automatically look to create "double negatives" from mistakes. When I say double negative, I refer to acting negatively based off a mistake that someone else performed to either A: Make yourself feel superior by attempting to make another feel guilty, B: You're a complete and total bitch, C: You know not how to react, so you go off instinct, or D: You simply do not know how to discuss problems like an "adult".

We often make mistakes heavier by magnifying them, and by not being forgiving of them. We will remember a blunder before we remember everything else that was done for us. We will remember a mistake before remembering any hugs given, any laughs shared, any cheering up, or any favors. We will immediately give up trust due to a mistake, without seeking an explanation. Some remain one sided, and in the case of mistake, they will make a decision based off of that one incident and opposed to weighing out the negatives and positives of the past and discussing them. More strong minded people realize that mistakes are made, and instead of being rude and seemingly careless, will look for a positive discussion. Regardless of if it works out or not, whether you agree to disagree or you kiss and make up, it’s always better to say you tried for the sake of the relationship than say you gave up all trust because you’re tired. It’s always better to at least pretend to value something, anything.

When it comes to fixing mistakes or trying to justify them, we are often passive; we don't confront them personally. I'm sick of people writing bulletins, and notes instead of something a bit more personal. We say that the mistake is a terrible burden; we act as if it’s the end of the world, regardless of if the situation can be resolved or not. But the last thing we want to do is talk it out. What holds us back? Pride? Immaturity? Fear? Retardation? Psychological issues? I guess I will never fully understand because although I do take the time out to write notes, bulletins and blogs, what I say is always up for discussion and I make that known.

Mistakes are made by everyone. Point blank. Some people have yet to accept that there are more important things in the world going on. We always think we have it so terrible. But there is always someone suffering way worse. There is always someone starving. There is always someone that doesn't have a home. There is always someone without parents and a loving family. And we think our resolvable issues are something to stress about? Honestly, do you think people dying are concerned about mistakes? No. They're trying to survive. Mistakes are insignificant due to their frequency, but we tend to gamble so much over them. Sad but true.

There is nothing else to do but pack up and move on, for as I said, there are way more important things. Not money, cars, clothes, or even people for that matter. But just more important things than mistakes. You make mistakes, and learn from them. It’s that simple. Why stay stuck or get upset when there are other things to focus on?

Note Taken

As humans, we automatically use our five senses to make observations; whether immense or diminutive observations are made, and mental notes are taken. We view our surroundings, analyzing every aspect of it: The colors, the mood of the atmosphere, as well as any events that are occurring. Preeminently, we examine the people around us. Regardless of where our minds are, or what we are scrutinizing at any particular moment in time, we subconsciously take notes.

Obviously, we remember things, both positive and negative. Some feel as though we remember everything, but the human mind is selective, based off what a particular does and doesn’t want to believe and remember. When getting to know a person, we often take notes: Their favorite color, what they like to eat, and if the acquaintanceship ever goes far enough, possibly personal secrets. We remember these things because the facts are valuable, extremely negative, or you care enough about a specific person, that every word is worth a note taken; Every bit of mindless chatter, every corny joke.

With that said, how many people do you know that are worth a note taken? How often is it that you choose to take note on something that you will not later use for personal gain, or use against someone? When do you take notes simply because you like the way one thinks, because you like their personal preferences? While I’ve noted that most people have not, my mind has been opened to the fact that there are people out there that do still value a decent psychological note, not based on more than the physical. Although they’re hard to find, I’m glad they do exist.

It’s natural to take notes. It’s your choice how you utilize these notes.

Just an observation; Just a note taken.

Writers Block

My mind feels light as empty thoughts cross my mind. I sit and try to write, but the words won’t flow. I sit in front on my dimmed computer screen, finding myself staring into its soul for some source of muse; some energy; something that can come across me and take my mind for a wild adventure. Something that will not only be a product of my constant tapping, tapping, tapping, and the keyboard, but a creation of my heart. I’m searching for something that can pull you into my world, something that would allow others to see who I am, what I am, and what I’m about. I sit and stare. The silence begins to drill a hole into my mind, and my body grows numb. Nothing is there, while absence is present.

I look over at my phone. The screen blackened from neglect. I press clear, only to see a picture of me and you. I feel it. The muse I was looking for. The electricity runs through my body as the words travel from my heart and out through my finger tips. First I am embarrassed of what I say and what I do. But then I realize it’s me. I realize that you’ve accepted me for what I am, as opposed to what I want you to believe I am. I let my emotions flow…

The Void

I look around only to find myself in solitude; my only friend, the keyboard. I only share this room with the four walls in captivity; The four walls which tend to present a barrier to my every thought. Writers block I once called it. I'm now realizing its a void. But with what could I possibly fill this void?

As I continue to present to myself solutions to this conundrum, I'm soon distracted by a tangent thought. -her- But why? Why does this thought linger in my mind so? My mind is now null, for I cannot get past my distraction. I wonder if she's thinking about me. Or if she knows I'm thinking about her for that matter. My soul, now drowned in thoughts of her. Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Does she reminise on the time we spent? What does she see in me? How could I have been so lucky to have had such a being grace my life?

UGH! Stop it! I begin to argue with myself internally. Why must my soul suffer over something thats not mine? Why must I fall so hard for something I can't have? I'm stuck. What do I do now?

I continue to sit. Staring at my computer screen. tapping at my keyboard whatever may come to mind. And it hits me. When I was thinking about her, though I was frustrated, I was happy. I was whole. Her presence brings joy. Her voice is alleviation. Her text are the cure to a rough morning. The answer is in front of me. But for some reason, I still can't get it right. Maybe someday she can fill my void. Sigh.

Until then...

I look around only to find myself in solitude; my only friend, the keyboard. I only share this room with the four walls in capativity; The four walls which tent to present a barried to my every thought. Writers block I once called it. I now realize its a void. I know how I want to fill this void. But that, I can never completely reveal until the time is right.

Just an observation

I sit back and examine our shallow superficial world....
So very full of expectations, tearing down those that don't meet it's standards.
I can't help but question our methods.

We say we want to make the world a better place, but I've come to realize that those that appear to be most helpful, always tend to have a personal motive; a goal dealing with self gain.

When will people begin to separate truth from lies? right from wrong? love from hate?Its hard to blame those that don't, because whose to tell whats what anymore? In our corupted little society everything that was once an innocent pleasure has become tainted; spoiled for those to come...

Just an observation.

Her

Her. She's beautiful. She's talented. Over all she's amazing. Everyone loves her. She's in a good relationship. She's living the life everyone wish they had. She doesn't need approval from everyone. She is the strong black woman that should be represented as power. Her intellect is beyond what anyone would image. Not to mention, her smile, so she's told, is like no other. Sometimes she can be a little difficult. But he loved her, for her. He loved her alone.

She sometimes whined, but it always got her far. Her head was always held high, regardless of the circumstances. She was a rock. She was solid. Nothing could ever bring her down. She was brave and caring to those that treated her the same way, and had no tolerance for those that behaved disrespectfully. She was goal oriented and always had reason to do what she pleased. She was what everyone wanted to be. Her...was me. If I could somehow turn back the hand of time, I would. Just so I can again be her.

Untitled

Well, I'm not doing homework. And I can't sleep. So I figured I'd let you in on what I'm doing.

Why is it that in this fast paced world full of technology and research, that we have yet to find a cure for imperfection and guilt? For how much longer must we continue to live a savage life full of jealousy and love as opposed to the robot-like life of emotional idolness? Why can they replace and fix every damaged orgin or bone, but have yet to heal an infinitively broken heart?

Everyone's life as we know it is full of flaws and mishaps; unable to control ourselves, as humans, we react in the only we we know how: according to emotion. In a perfect worl, that which lacks human emotion, that which is more controlled, we as people would no longer have to rely on others, directly or passively, to provide us with that happiness that we desperate beings long for.

con't----------------

Currently in our imperfect sad little world, we put time and effort into things that can never truely exsist. For example; we tend to try to create this thing called forever. Honestly. What is forever? According to websters, forever is without ever ending, eternally. But how often does forever really last forever? Why is it that we try so hard to live by this definition, when that dream of forever is often disturbed by people, events, and opinions?

In a perfect world, there would be no forever. There would INDEED by a short term future, but not forever. If forever yielded to exsist, many of the broken hearts, suicides, tears and sweat would also be non exsistant. Forever is full of broken promises and crashed dreams. And in a perfect world, there wouldn't be time for such.

Needless to say, I personally wish I could care less, but for some reason I can't. The one time I don't wish to remember and reminise, I do. I'm trying to hold on to something that is no longer near me, and that draws me closer and closer to the insanity of the imperfect world; chasing after something that you believe is there, only to find it is out of your reach...