Drowning

Death tip toes over my shoulder. Sneaky bastard. My face, numb. My body, cold. I lie there lifeless. Meaningless. Lack self worth. I'm empty inside. The only feelings are those of hatred, jealousy. I go back over my life and contemplate what i've done wrong. Everything. The tears begin to flow. The thoughts begin to rise. Why can't I have just done a single thing right? Why did I have to fail him, fail her, fail life?

The coldness is gone, and I'm all cried out. I try to close my eyes, try to rest. Maybe sleep will cure my misery. But instead, I lay there, lifeless, eyes burned dry. Too much on my mind. The thoughts continue to rise. I lay there on my back, trying to find my "happy place". I pray. So now what? Wait do I?

I try to pass time until a sign reveals itself to me. Until my prayer is answered. Until then I have no one in which to express my pain, no one to soothe my burning eyes. I'm alone. Again. Why? Why does no one care? Why wont anyone listen and say "Tyra, I love you. I care about you and I'm always here". What is it about ME? Why can't I be someone else, if just for a day? The thoughts continue to rise.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.
And I don't know how much longer I can last
I exhale in
Hoping to forget my clumsy past
Fortunately for me
I wont just end it all
Only because I now understand
That my death is not my call
I try to front
So only my smile you see
But none of you...NONE I SAY
Know the real me
She lives in the shadows
Regretting her life
Hating her every move
And asking herself why
She doesn't understand
Just what her destiny is to be
And she's stuck and alone
Looking to be set free
Her mind is empty
And her soul is lost
And for her many imperfections
She pays the cost
She really is
A sad girl you see
Who doesn't know
Just who she wants to be
She's failed her mother
She's failed her friends
She's failed herself
And it never ends
In the end she sees
Theres nothing she can do
So she paints on her smile
And fakes her way through..

Dramatic maybe..true nonetheless

Untitled

Why is it that those that you need the most, the ones that you care for the most are the ones that always hurt you the most?? Why is it that they look to start trouble? Why is it that they're never satisfied? How come they always talk down to you, and don't appreciate the things you do because its not particularly they want? Why is it that they look to blame, to cause suffering??

These are questiong that have been flowing through my head all day. Am I that much of a bad person because I'm not social?? And I that bad of a person for buying christmas gifts?? Am I so stupid because I made a mistake?

Its getting to the point where I can't stand to be me. YOU make my life miserable. YOU are the reason I walk around unhappily. Yet, you fail to realize the damage you have caused me. The heartache, the struggles, the extra stress...

No. I will not respect you, because for so many years I have tried, and when I mess you, you never take into consideration to positive. You call me nagative, but why am I that way? What causes me to cry? What causes me to go days at a time, unsatisfied with myself because of something that was said.

You say I need help, but honestly, I think I just need a break. A break from the cursing, the anger and the accusations. If I could just get away from it all...

Another Randm Thought

The power of words are quite amazing. Words more so than actions, are what trigger our reactions and feelings. Words make us laugh, cry, fight, love ect. As humans, we force ourselves to believe that words have no effect on us. That words are merely letters, merely pen and paper, as opposed to a force beyond our understanding.

to be continued...I'm hungry..

Short Question...

As humans, we constantly think about things, whether we want to or not. We control our thoughts, or so we think. If we are so in control of our thoughts, why is it that a simple word can trigger a series or deep thoughts? Why is it the the actions of others can cause of to think of the worst? Why is it that particular events can change our thought patterns to create sadness or anger?

Just an observation

So here you are, yet again, alone in the world. You find that you can't even find it in yourself to cry for reasons of which you are unsure. Maybe its because you're cryed out. Every tear in your body has been drained. Or maybe its possibly because its not worth crying over. Or maybe you cannot urge yourself to cry because pride is holding back your tears. Whatever the reason, it is not helping you at all, so what do you do? Forget about it until it comes up again? Its worked before, why can't it work again? Or maybe you'll confront your problem. Take it like a man. Or maybe, be nuetral about it, and passively get a point across?

Although your confusion of how to deal is a problem, it is at the bottom of the list. First, before even trying to figure out what to do, you need to figure out whats legit, and whats fake.

Now a days, niggas talk alot of stuff to us females. They'll tell us one thing on minute, and the next minute, they'll tell you the complete opposite. As strong as we've become, the gender as a whole, we still always seem to fall apart. Why is this? We say its because we love them, but why do we love someone thats hurts us? Why do we love people that do emotional damage? Why do we...love?

Because of our sensitivity, we can't ALWAYS blame the entire situation on that dumb nigga, but we do have to consider the circumstances. Boys make promises, that they know they wont keep for various reasons. One could be simply because they dont want to break your fragile heart. Another reason could be that they simply don't respect you, and rather drag you along, so that you may live a lie. Thirdly, they could be on some SERIOUS nigga stuff, and are trying to meet that daily bop quota. Regardless of the situation, as females, we must take partial blame for heart breaks for fallin for bull.

I believe its safe to say that every female has fallen into the trap. You kno, the "we're going to be together forever" trap. For that, we are all fools. I've grown to believe that males don't look for long term relationships, not in high school anyway. My mind has been manipulated to thing this such thing exsisted. "Silly girl", I think to myself and i reminise on my past mistakes. Foolish me. I can't help but to laugh when i realize how many girls are in their fantasy worlds. HILARIOUS.

Love is real. It does exsist, or so I believe, but relationships in which you are in love, never last forever...If you think they do, you're sadly mistaken. You must be able to separate the truth from the lies. Too many times have people been led to believe one thing, when CLEARLY there was another goal in mind. we should let relationships be relationships, as short term, and as meaningless as they are, and let love be love, never mixing the two. At this age, at this time, it is a dangerous combination and shouldn't be tampered with. Lies, Deciet, Pain. Thats all it is.

Hate you all..
Have a nice day! =]

The REAL Unititled

What the !@#$ I !@#$in hate the !@#$in !@#$y !@# world and all the !@#$in stupid !@#$%es and !@# holes that live in it. Its amazing how feelings can change so ^&*%ing drastically. ^&$@! &%^$ing bull @#$%.

Words cannot begin to describe my feelings, so I decided to use symbols. Current mood: Emotional; Confused, sad, happy, broken, torn, bitchy, angry, and the list could go on. Why is it that we get so emotional, so caught up in our feelings? Why cant we just brush things off as easy as we want to? Why can't life have an ignore button, that can allow us to leave our problems and worries behind us?

I guess some situations are just for the best. They keep us on our toes with that little reality check, which we need it this crazy place called the world. We can either choose to learn from them, or we can drown ourselves in sorrow, and let it haunt us, bring us down. Some of us have yet to grasp the first concept, so we continue to fight ourselves and have doubts, with no longer having anyone to confide in, nothing to look forward to.

Being stripped of most freedom, you're left alone in this cold world. Losing sight of goals and ambitions of the future. You curl up, and feel yourself losing your mind, but still holding on. Its sad that we suffer because of certain things, but if we didn't suffer, how else would it be called life?

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Edit/Update: Nov. 6, 2007 @ 8:23am

I hate you bastards...

The Untitled

I feel is though this entry isn't worthy of a title. Because, not everything is worth thinking about. Sometimes, I sit back, and I try to just think about the good things in my life. I think about them briefly, before quickly running out of things to reminise upon. Being so deeply endulged in my thoughts, I ponder to myself "There aren't really many things worth looking forward to anymore". I guess its the that my mind has be tainted, and spoiled to believe that I'll always have what I want, when I want, and how I want it. Honestly, I'm beginning to see that I have been sadly mistaken.

Its amazing how quickly something can be snatched from under you. Before you know it, but down, on your ass, alone and stupid, unsure of what to do, how to react, and how to feel. You attempt to move on, because as previously stated, not everything is worth thinking about...Or is it? You try to convince yourself that this situation isn't worth time, thought nor effort, but if it truly isn't, why do you catch yourself still ruminating; still thinking about how things could've been different.

One can't help feel hopeless after have their EVERYTHING taken from them in an instance. No longer having hope and confidence in your future, but you now find yourself wish from luck, crossing your fingers, thinking of clovers. But in your mind, you begin to doubt. Doubt your prayers are being heard, doubt your wishes are being granted. You want to give up, because the future is no longer in sight because you can no longer see whats ahead of you why? Because silly, now instead of being on your ass, you've been pushed over, and find yourself on your face. You attempt to brush yourself off, but the scars are there. The blood, sweat and tears, have left their humble appearance on the ground in front of you....

Life was created to be hated. I've learned that you shouldn't really depend on people to make you feel good, because in the end, although they mean to be helpful and considerate, all people do, as humans, is knock you down...

This note is dedicated to no one..based off nothing, but just something i've been thinking about.

(Sorry Erica, I know you called, but I'm really in no mood.)

All it takes is a note...

I've been reading through notes for the past few minutes, because I have nothing better to do. And I've realized, it takes a simple note to tell others how you feel, it takes a little note to make bad things worse, it takes a note to do more harm than help.

It seems as thought everyone is going through some kind of heart ache. Whether its the loss of a friend, and boyfriend, or even a relationship problem. Lets face it...DRAMA HAPPENS. Its up to us to be mature about it, and live through it, taking the opportunity to solve the problem to learn a life lesson. A real friend will always love you, no matter what words are exchanged, or what facts are misunderstood. True friends are willing to work things out, as opposed to arguing and turning their backs on each other forever. I takes a note to get things started. Just a single note saying "You are important to me. I need you."

Relationship problems are common amongst teens. I've come to learn that although there are obstacles, that if its meant to be, together you shall remain. But if it doesn't work out, look at it this way: Everyone comes in and out of your life for a reason; some are meant to stay, while others weren't. God has a plan for you. And if he makes a decision to take someone dear to you out of your life, thank him, for this person was most likely causing you to cry yourself to sleep regularly anyway. But this can be avoided. It takes a simple note to say "I love you. You are my everything. I want to work things out".

Some people are just generally lost in life. Not knowing which way to go. Unsure of whom to trust and who to disregard. What is real, and what is artificial. They are currently say, for reasons in which are unknown to them. There's so much on their mind, and they don't know where to start. They sit, crying, without knowing who actually cares. They begin to write a note. A note that begins as meaningless chatter, but ends in a new beginning. A beginning in which they begin to realize the source of their problems. A beginning in which that one comment, from that single person that cares, can immediately start to make a change.

Notes are indeed powerful. But why do we write notes? Its universally understood that things are more official and professional in writing, but when it comes to feelings, must we preeminantly think of professionalism? By writing notes, we are indirectly telling those we care about how we feel. Its okay to vent. But I feel as though we are taking it too far. I feel as though we (yes, WE) are using facebook to hide from our problems. When will it stop?

True Friends

True friends. Always there for you. Always understanding. Always forgiving. Am I wrong?

There always comes a point in your life, where you go through changes. Changes that can alter one's life forever. Changes in which you need the support of those that care for you, of those that value you to some extent.

Unfortunately, not everyone is as caring and as true as they seem to be. Oh, yes, indeed they are real to themselves, but are not true friends to you. They may see your time of need, a time you seek their help as a time to bash you, your situation, or your personal business. They may use your own emotions in order to manipulate your mind. Make you feel as though you're a villan, make you feel guilty more so than you already feel.

I true friend isn't one that will be sensitive to the little things: A bad hair day, an "off" comment, and small insult, or a little accident. A true friend won't turn their backs on you, regardless of what you may say or do.A true friend will help you through good times and bad. Be there through your triumphs and your losses. A true friend will stand with open arms; always willing to give advice, and wipe away the tears.

Maybe its just me, or maybe there aren't really many true friends left in the world. Maybe as humans, we're so easily brain washed to believe that someone does care, when they really dont.

Why is it that people decide to waste their time and yours, and say they care, but when it comes time to be sensitive to an issue, they shut you down. Make you feel cheap. Make you feel guilty. Make you feel unclean.

I guess its all part of life. People come, and people go. Yea, some friendships do more harm, while others will last a lifetime. These are your true friends.

Untitled

Lying here on my back, I see another sleepless night. My eye lids just won't seem to meet for more than a second, because of the numerous thoughts flooding my conscience.

Am I changing? If so, is this change for better, or for worse? I think to myself. But another part of me, cannot help but think its the you that is changing.

You feel as if you know a person, when in all reality, you know who they want you to think they are. But one day, you get to meet this "stranger", which you thought you knew, for the first time. The irony of it all is that you can't pull yourself away from this "stranger". You feel as though there is something you must fulfill with this "stranger", for prior to the stranger's arrival, everything was perfect.

Or maybe this stranger, surruptitious and unpredictable to you, was just inevitably who the one you thought you knew has grown to be. Sadly for you, the only thing you can do, is bury your head into your pillow, to drown the tears, as the silence of the "conversation" penetrates your soul.

So there you are. Worrying about what is going to happen next. Attempting to cry your worries away. Hoping that these tears will lull you to sleep. You wishfully hope this slumber will be an eternal slumber. One for which you will never have to awaken; where your mind will be at peace forever more. But its not time to snap back into reality.

Change isn't always for the best. But I guess change can help us determine life decisions. Without change, we, as humans, would never get to experience this thing called life. Its difficult to believe how much a little change can hurt a single person; it amazes me how this is so. But, maybe the difference will work out in general. Maybe the string of sleep deprivaty will end...Or maybe, its time for a change...

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If you don't get it, its not really intended for u to know...sorry. Its really for myself, but i'm a blog whore.

Untitled

Trying not to fail him is hard. Trying not to drown in my own river of tears is harder. Complete and total faith in myself is no longer an option, and there's barely a soul for support.

Common sense says to just give it time. Give it space. Let it be. While the heart says there is no time. Fight for it. Don't give up.

But I'm beginning to wonder if there is at all any hope for me. If my tears are even worth consideration. If my ideas are even of any value. If I, myself, have any worth...

The fact that it took "this" just to open my eyes, is hard for me to wrap my brain around. The idea of it all being over is even more difficult.

Making Decisions

"Wanting to be mad, but cannot be, for it would make her a hypocrit. Is it even worth my contemplation? Worth the wink of an eye? I feel a poem."

Maybe not a poem anymore. But definately a blog. A meaningful blog. One in which you may question your own values, morals, and life decisions.

"wanting to be mad, but cannot be, for it would make her a hypocrit. Is it even worth my contemplation? Worth the wink of an eye? I feel a poem."--This is my status. And after running out of character space while writing this staus, and not having completed my thought, I realized that there may or may not be something on my heart. Something deeper than the cover. Something deeper than the mind. But something well into my soul.

Its generally easy to do one thing, subconsciencely, unknowingly, ignorant of the consequences. But why is it so difficult, once zapped back into this game of life, to face the consequences? Reaping the "benefits"of your action. Predicting what you have forseen for a long time coming. Deal with it when you see your forsight begin to unfold. Seeing things fall apart.

Why is it so easy to be a hypocrit: say something is wrong, and scorn those that do it, but then do so yourself. Although, at the time your hypocrisy may to appear to be what it is, but in the big picture, you're just as bad as those you shame.

With all the expected jealousies, arguements, disscussions, laughter, and wonderful forgiveness in the world, why do we as people always tend to go off on a tangent from our faithful paths, even after making the mistake once, and being forgiven for it? And after the mistake is made a second time, we are quick to quarrel, and defend ourselves, knowing in our mind we're wrong, but refusing to fall short of pride.

People, including myself, need to begin to think. Question ourselves before we take actions. We should think about statements that are made, and judgements that are passed. We should ruminate on the idea of the "benefit of the doubt", and that also consider that somethings are still better left undone, unsaid, untyped.

With that being said, I feel as though I owe someone an apology. A simple retaliation, from my direction and yours, made me realize that i was wrong. And getting upset at you would make me a hypocrit. So I will not do so. My eyes have seen what I have done to you, for I can feel "satisfation", I feel the "security" and I feel the "love". But aside from the illusion, and it all reality, I feel heart ache, mistrust. I now realize how three simple words can effect a whole mood. How "hug and kiss" can be more than a simple action, but can make people begin to not only feel emotions, but see it.

I now understand that you can't live life thinking only as one, when you're not alone. I realize that all actions do take a butterfly effect. I now see that we all must be careful of what we say and do. Unfortunately, I had to learn by making a mistake, that in the end hurt me, and had me thinking about myself. But Hopefully those of you that read this will have a different aspect on decision making, and not end up suffering, confused, and alone.

Gone

I sit and stare at your pictures,
As a constant remind of what is mine,
And what I still have,
Yet, I still drown in my own salty river
This isn't your average heartbreak
For what should be lost, is still in possession
Its just in a different place
On my mind, it remains...
Your countenance, your voice, your sense of ease
Then realizing that yesterday was the last time
And that it was the final moment to engrave it in my mind
Brings me back to the reality
That you're not by my side
You're not everywhere I want you to be
I can no longer light up everyday,
Knowing that I'd get to see you..touch you
I'm selfish, I know
Because you're only doing wats best for the both of us
Preparing yourself for what is to come
Preparing yourself for the future in which I am to part take
Yes, I am proud to see you move on
Move on to a high level of life
But it saddens me, because I realize my happiness is gone
I never knew it would be so difficult
To face a temporary goodbye
I never knew how much I loved you, appreciated you
Until you were gone.
Just hearing your voice brings me to tears
Because I know thats all it will be
Just a voice on the phone
Or shallow word through AIM
I'll miss our talks, our moments
Being able to stare into those beautiful brown eyes...
Being able to lay there in your arms..
Sitting together, watching the hours go by
But your temporary absense is keeping me
Knowing that I be able to someday see you again
Knowing that I will be reunited with you
Though the days are passing slowly,
And my mind is going through a cycle of emotions...
Excitement, sorrow, love, security, anger...
I realize that this short suffering
Will soon lead to me, being with you again
To have and to hold, through sickness and through health
For rich or for poor
But for now, all I can do
Is sit and stare at your pictures,
As a constant remind of what is mine,
And what I still have
And drown in my salty river
Until I accept that fact that you are
Gone